Deadpool Hi-jacks a fanfic
by TheLadySyk0
Summary: Deadpool knows he is in a fanfic once again and this time he is going to decide what happens, whether the writer likes it or not. Main pairing Spiderman/Deadpool. Spideypool. Rating for canon typical violence. Links to dinosaur noises and fight music.


The icy air filled Deadpool's lungs. Darkness wrapped the city in a gossamer shroud. The smog was thick and vile as the hearts of the villains who ran amok this city. The harsh lights of the city glinted across a pair of katanas strapped to the mercenary's back. He lept from rooftop to rooftop like a shadow in the night. he-

"Yeah the scenery porn is awesome and all narrator chick, but can we get to, I dunno.. A fucking plot?" The mercenary groused.

Fuck you Wade, my scenery porn fucking awesome.

"You're making me sound like Batman! Which is cool and all, but he's more 'thinky-broody' and I'm more 'stabby-jokey', get what I'm saying?"

This is a dark fic Wade, and it deserves a proper setting! I'm going for a film-noir kind of feeling, something beautiful and complex, and-

The mercenary paused in his fleet-footed venture across the cityscape. He flopped down to sit cross-legged on the roof. Deadpool fished into one of his belt pockets and retrieved a battered ipod and a pair of headphones.

What the hell do you think you're doing? Get back to hunting down my villains!

"Well writer chick, I'm ruining your story! I'm going to sit on this goddamn roof and listen to Beyonce until you get bored and go the fuck away."

YOU CAN'T DO THAT! I WAS GOING TO WRITE A DARK AND COMPLICATED PLOT! IT WAS GOING TO INVOLVE DRUG TRAFFICKING, ORGANIZED CRIME, COMPLICATED MORAL DECISIONS!

"...all the single ladies...aaaalll the single ladies, now put cha hands up!"

Wade….

"...If ya like it then you shoulda put a ring on it...if ya like it then you shoulda put a ring on it…"

Wade come on.

"I can do this all night writer chick, I'm not new to this whole 'voice in my head thing' I can ignore you for forever!" the complete bastard giggled.

….Fine, what do you want?

Deadpool lounged across the rooftop, sprawled in a distinct 'draw me like your french girls' pose. A wicked smile spreading underneath his mask. "I have...demands…."

Is this about the last fic I wrote you in? If so, I'm sorry ok?

"You ended that fic before I got to make pancakes with my kid and sexy spider-husband! That's just cruel!" The mercenary crossed his arms defiantly.

IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL ENDING! IT WAS BITTERSWEET! A PROMISE FOR THE FUTURE! A-

Deadpool performed an exaggerated pout and rubbed his fists beneath his eyes in a mock fit of tears. "BOOHOOO I'M THE WRITER! BWAHHH! I DO AAAART! BWAHHH!"

Fuck you Wade!

"BWAHHH! I WRITE FAN-FICTION ON THE INTERNET! BWAHHH!"

I don't sound like that!

"BWAHH I WRITE STORIES ABOUT OC CHARACTERS THAT NOBODY READS!"

HEY! PEOPLE LIKED THOSE CHARACTERS!

"...you literally had a character who was an alien named _Churro_ …."

FINE! FINE! What do you want Wade?!

The complete and total asshole of a mercenary took a piece of paper from another one of his belt pockets and began to read aloud-

"First and fore-most, I want a velociraptor!"

...Why would you have a velociraptor?

"Because I want it."

Where the hell would you get a velociraptor?

"Hey, you're the writer lady! Now make with the words, and get me a goddamn velociraptor!"

Ugh, fine.

The beast stood before the mercenary. Utahraptor ostommaysorum. Standing seven feet tall and 23 feet long, the beast cut an imposing statuesque figure into the night sky. 1,000 pounds of pure agile muscle and razor-sharp teeth that could cut through bone and sinew like softened butter. The creature scratched the concrete with her 9 inch long talons, scraping deep grooves into the surface of the rooftop as she screeched into the night. Slitted cat-like eyes focused right on the mercenary.

"Holy shit that's awesome!" Deadpool stood in front of the creature, hands clasped in front of him, completely enamored with the hulking monstrosity. "add a link so that other people reading can hear her roar!"

Oh. That would be kind of cool actually, hang on…

watch?v=R8-Eco_Vsbg

"EEEEEEEE!" Deadpool screeched like a little girl having received a pony for her fifth birthday. The Mercenary then proceeded to pet the monster on the snout, the downy feathers-

"Wait. Wait. Feathers?!"

Yes, raptors and many other dinosaurs actually had feathers, I'm trying to be scientifically accurate and-

"I DON'T CARE WRITER CHICK! No self-respecting dinosaur has feathers!"

But, science-

"NO FEATHERS!" The mercenary shouted petulantly into the sky.

Fine, fine.

The Mercenary then proceeded to pet the monster on the snout, he could feel the cool, slick scales through the gloves of his costume. Deadpool climbed onto the creature's back, the raptor obligingly trotted as the vigilante instructed.

"...Oh fuck yeah this is sweet….I'm going to name you Bea Arthur!…" The maniac patted the dinosaur. "Who's a good dino? Its you! You're a good Dino!"

Bea Arthur the dinosaur seemed pleased at his words and she screeched smugly, enjoying the petting.

Ok Deadpool, you have your goddamn dinosaur, can we get on with the fic yet?

"nope! You don't get off that easily writer chick! not after dumping the last fic before I even fucking got to cook pancakes with my kid!"

For the last time, It was an artistic ending!

"Whatever you say Sykes….Now I want Spidey with me on this dino! Make it snappy!"

A very confused Spiderman all of a sudden joined Deadpool on the back of the dinosaur.

"WHAT THE FUCK!?" the hero shrieked, it seems the webslinger was teleported mid-swing, his arms still outstretched. "WADE? I WAS IN BROOKLYN! IS THIS A DINOSAUR!?"

"Her name is Bea Arthur!" The mercenary smiles proudly at the other hero.

"...Wade, why the fuck do you have a dinosaur?" The Spidery vigilante suspiciously asked.

"I don't fucking know, she's the writer."

Don't you dare blame me for this asshole.

"This is one of those AUs where spidey is in love with me right?" Deadpool seemingly addressed this question to the night sky.

"Who the fuck are you talking to Wade?!" Spiderman demanded. "And yes we're married if you somehow magically forgot you asshole! Why do you have a DINOSAUR?!"

This seemed to mollify Deadpool and he reached behind him to pinch the hero's ass.

"Stop trying to distract me and tell me why you have a FUCKING DINOSAUR WADE!" Spiderman yelled.

"There's no time to explain Spidey-kins!" Deadpool yelled. "We have to go do things because of plot!"

Oh so NOW you're interested in my plot…..asshole.

Deadpool flipped off the night sky. "I HEARD THAT WRITER! LESS SASS, MORE ACTION!"

Spiderman looked in the direction Wade pointed his outstretched finger "Wade, what the hell-"

The Dinosaur began to run, the large scaly beast charged across the roof. Bea the dinosaur dug her vicious talons into the concrete, her rock hard muscles tensing, her long tail swishing back and forth like a cat. The monstrous beast lept forward, soaring across the gap between the rooftops, landing thunderously onto the next rooftop, cracking the concrete. Peter clung to Wade's waist as Wade laughed Maniacally.

"HAHAHAHA WOOOO! NOW THAT'S WHAT I'M FUCKING TALKING ABOUT!"

The thunderous beast continued to run, faster and faster, leaping from roof to roof. The raptor smashing or slashing the pigeon coops, air conditioning units, laundry lines and illicit marijuana gardens that always seemed to litter New York rooftops.

"WOO HOOO! GO BEA GO!" The Mercenary hollered "ALSO, CUE THEME MUSIC!"

watch?v=-wujKi0a6IQ&list=PLXRUum3yYAWGO2C6S0jTnsF4trYIZI3t2

"THATS IT BABY! NOW GIVE ME AND SPIDEY COWBOY HATS!" The idiotic mercenary demanded.

Instantly two matching cowboy hats appeared on both Deadpool's and Spiderman's heads.

"HOW THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT WADE?" Spiderman looked from Wade to his hat in bewilderment.

Deadpool laughed and grinned at his lover. Said lover was starting to doubt every choice he had made in his life that led him up to this point, wedded to a world-renowned insane mercenary, riding a dinosaur and wearing a goddamn cowboy hat.

"THE POWER OF SHITTY WRITING!" Deadpool shouted to his husband as Bea Arthur lept onto another rooftop. The dinosaur chirred, seemingly in agreement with the lunatic.

The dinosaur-riding vigilantes neared a large building. The couple could see that the large skylight was surrounded by heavily armed guards.

Deadpool took out his machine guns and aimed. Not a bullet was wasted as the mercenary fired with the skill of a surgeon, disarming the thugs with hits to the hands and kneecaps. The thugs squealed in horror and pain as Bea rocketed past them. The dinosaur jumped onto the skylight, shattering the glass and sending all three falling into the building.

More black-clad thugs fired at the couple as they fell. Deadpool fired back, his shell casings mingling with the broken glass that fell, glinting like a thousand diamonds around the vigilantes and into the fray below.

The dinosaur landed, smashing several crates in the process, Deadpool and the stunned Spiderman still upon her back. Bea Arthur roared and Deadpool posed majestically. Faced with the enraged Bea Arthur and two of the most notorious heroes, many of the hired guns wisely chose to ran, the braver of the minions advanced upon the heros, their guns and knives drawn.

Deadpool lept from the raptor and dove into the crowd of henchmen. The madman unsheathed his katanas and began to fight.

The mercenary whirled, swords slashing through knees, ankles, tendons slashed with pure artistic precision. A side kick to the temple of his opponent instantly rendered them unconscious. Striking at another minion's adam's apple crushed their throat. A katana severed a hand holding a machine gun from it's previous owner.

Bea Arthur also got into the swing of things. Lunging at idiot minions who thought that they could take on a fucking dinosaur, her razor sharp teeth severed limbs and crushed machine guns in her vicious maw. He long tail whipped across the floor, knocking out minions as her tail sent them careening into walls and smashing into crates .

Peter lept into the air and began webbing the thugs. At one point performing a backflip off of the dinosaur in order land behind a trio of hired guns and web them to the neighboring wall.

Blood and severed limbs littered the area, minions were dropping left and right, but Deadpool still had to destroy the facility.

"..Wait what?"

Just shut up and throw a grenade asshole.

"Can do!"

Deadpool removed a small bomb from his belt and threw it deep into the facility. The rest of the minions began to run.

Wade wrapped an arm around Spiderman's waist and dipped the hero, he pulled up Peter's mask and- "...best. fic. ever." The mercenary sighed dreamily.

As Wade kissed Peter, Bea Arthur the dinosaur roared victoriously and the bomb exploded, silhouetting the couple against the fiery blast.

It was fucking epic.

Wade leaned back from the kiss as the explosion died down. Ash fell around the couple. The eyes of Peter's mask narrowed and the hero crossed his arms.

"When we get home, you're going to tell me EXACTLY what the fuck happened here Wade, so help me."

In the background Bea the dinosaur wandered through the facility, Peter and Wade watched as she munched on one of the many severed limbs that were scattered across the floor. As she saw them watching her she perked up and began wagging her tail.

Peter buried his face in his hands and groaned.

What the fuck Wade.


End file.
